HUMOR

You Promised You Wouldn’t Touch My Humanity, Domino’s Pizza

A delivery to remember

by author

I recently ordered Domino’s online and selected a marvelous delivery option:

“Contactless.”

The website described it beautifully:

“A Contactless Delivery prevents direct personal contact between you and your Delivery Expert.”

I loved that.

But I wondered, How will you do it, Domino’s? Don’t forget: If we see you, that’s a contact, and my son and I will be watching for you unblinkingly. How, without help from the Devil, do you expect to make a zero-contact delivery while approaching a house that’s all eyes?

Knowing giant corporations are capable of anything, my boy and I hoped for the best:

We’d hear a hardwood creak behind us and cry out in terror then spin around and see nothing but a steaming box of pizza on the floor.

by author

The website, to insure delivery accuracy, micromanages customers by forcing them to include “Instructions for Contactless Delivery Driver.”

I wrote, “Place pizza on folding chair beside front door.” I wrote 5:30PM was the time we wanted pizza to contactlessly materialize on folding chair.

My boy and I manned the picture window and waited.

Contact 1

A car the color of raw hope parked in front of my house. The car wore no Domino’s insignia, so we could only pray it bore our pizza.

I said to the boy, “I pray it bears our pizza.”

“But…I can see it,” said the boy. “It’s supposed to be contactless.”

“Never forget, my son: The bigger the company, the bigger the lies.”

Contact 2

The Delivery Expert got out of the car, and we saw him.

But to be fair to Domino’s

These contacts were basically contactless compared to the usual person-to-person requirements:

1. fist bumping