Out Of Love For My Son’s Star Wars Toys, I Stole Them

Daniel Williams
7 min readSep 6, 2020
Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Four things I’ve dreamed of all my life. I dream of them constantly, while mowing the lawn, while half-listening in conversations, while sleeping, while not sleeping. These are the four:

  • Finding a corpse.
  • Finding something precious that someone has lost, and returning it to them (this could be corpse, but also a diamond ring, or an infant).
  • Finding myself in a situation where I must save the day by subduing an evil person with my fists and kicks.
  • Finding a stash of original Star Wars Toys.

In all four categories, I’ve come close.

Corpse
On an ocean island, I discovered a wet suit mostly buried in sand, and with my hands, I dug down and down. There was no head, but this didn’t mean the rest of him or her wasn’t there. I dug into the tunnels of the wet suit’s arms and torso and legs, expecting all the time to feel bones. I found only sand. I was as disappointed as those guys in that Ark of the Covenant documentary who found only sand and ghosts and melting.

Returning Something Precious
The closest I’ve come to this is losing my wedding ring and giving someone else the opportunity to have my dream come true for them. Whoever found it has not yet fulfilled the other half of the dream and returned the ring to me. I suspect my cats. They found it, rolled it into the basement shadows, and are waiting for the right moment, a moment when they feel moral, to return it. This may never happen.

Subduing Evil
I tried to throw an evil kid onto the floor once. He was much younger than me, and very small, hobbit-sized. The hobbit kept stealing my soccer ball in the gym, so I grabbed his neck and tried to throw him down. Concerning hobbits: they have incredible balance. I swung Bilbo around but he would not fall, so we made an unspoken deal: if I stopped swinging him, he would stop kicking my soccer ball and start kicking me instead, which is what happened.

Finding Originals
The closest I’ve come to this is having it happen to my boy, Sawyer. His grandmother went to the thrift shop and came back with a large plastic bag full of fifty Star Wars figurines, all originals…

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Daniel Williams

A poverty-stricken, soft Batman by night. Illustrator and writing teacher by day. Previously: McSweeney’s, Slackjaw.