Falling in love is hard to do — My first loves were the Walt Disney women who were upright animals. Disney taught me that if I see long eyelashes on a fox, a lion, or a rabbit, I’ll hunt for loopholes in the Bible so we can be together. Unfortunately, there are no loopholes in Disney. It’s rabbit…

This time, it’s personal — After breaking up with my forensic psychologist, I found myself a cognitive behavioral therapist, the best rebound of my life. He’s introduced me to the concept of “distorted brain messages.” DBM. Here’s how it breaks down for the layman: D means dumb. BM means shit. DBM means the dumb shit…

Part I — I’ve been increasingly unable to enjoy people. My social circle has shrunk to the point that my cats own a devastatingly significant percentage of the stock. When you spend too much time with cats and no one else, you start seeing the world the way they do: “Will you serve…

The Illness Of Power — My university let grad students teach its young. I was one of these grad students, and they paid us actual money for what we did. The class was English 101, hospice care for creativity. Some of us had never taught before, never wanted to teach, and we all made mistakes…

A cat and her boy: united by meat — Growing up, we shared a house with a tiny black-and-white cat who had two personalities. Indoors, she gave us the cold shoulder, but outside, especially in the woods, she was almost human. In a good way. You’d go walking along a trail, and Kitty would join you. For miles. No…

A delivery to remember — I recently ordered Domino’s online and selected a marvelous delivery option: “Contactless.” The website described it beautifully: “A Contactless Delivery prevents direct personal contact between you and your Delivery Expert.” I loved that. But I wondered, How will you do it, Domino’s? Don’t forget: If we see you, that’s a…

My bloody Easter — I recently bought a gigantic knife. It’s beautiful, almost as long as a sword, and this morning I knocked it off the edge of my desk, tried to catch it, and it sliced a dime-sized flap of flesh off my thumb. Blood, blood everywhere, not squirting, but gushing. I rushed…

The run positive movement — I stopped running a few years ago. Not in the figurative sense. I’ll never stop running from my past. It’s the only way I can achieve enough distance from it to see it clearly enough to laugh at it. I mean I quit running for exercise. I was convinced it…

Ships that pass in the public bathroom — Before the movie started, I stopped by the restroom. My plan? To do what bodybuilders do: shed all my water weight and come out shredded and ready. If I’m carrying even a twinkle of pee, the movie’s ruined. The world through urine-colored glasses cannot move me. I was in a…